Something Quite Peculiar
by sinemoras09
Summary: Ulquiorra becomes a shinigami. Everyone else is horrified. Gen. crack, angst. Ulquihime if you squint. Mad spoilers for chapter 354. Dudes I couldn't help myself D:


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.

**01.**

Rukia once explained to Ichigo the difference between Quincy and Shinigami: shinigami freed hollow's souls, whereas Quincy outright killed them.

Ulquiorra didn't know this when he entered the battle with Ichigo. Ichigo himself had forgot.

.

**02.**

Ulquiorra didn't die. When his soul reconstituted itself, he found himself on the Eastern border of Soul Society, where all the former hollows gathered.

The first thing Ulquiorra was aware of, when his body began to reconstitute itself, was the field. Yellow light on the grass; a warm breeze. The wide-eyed shriek of a young Fourth Division shinigami cowering behind him.

(He would later learn that shinigami of the Fourth Division always greeted the new arrivals. Even former hollows. No one's ever greeted a former Espada, however.)

.

**03.**

One of the things Ulquiorra was shocked to learn was that half of all shinigami were themselves former hollows: the sheer amount of reiatsu they retained made them well-suited toward shinigami training.

As a former Espada, Ulquiorra's reiatsu was enormous. It rivaled even captain-level shinigami, and Ulquiorra had not yet even unlocked his shikai.

(Still, there were political rumblings that kept Ulquiorra from being ranked properly: despite his natural talent, he remained unranked and among the lowest shinigami in the squad. No one wanted a former Espada to command them, after all.)

.

**04.**

Kuchiki Byakuya took a liking to him, and personally selected him to join his squad.

The other captains remarked how similar the two of them were: Byakuya and Ulquiorra, sitting across from each other, drinking tea very precisely and neither one of them smiling.

It soon became a joke among the captains' quarters.

.

**05.**

Renji was the first to really find out. Marching into the new recruits' dormitory, he jutted out his chest and bellowed. "Oi! Listen up! I'm your Vice Captain, Abarai Renji. If you want to make it here, you _will_ respect me!"

Renji turned, grinning smugly, when he came face-to-face with his new subordinate.

Ulquiorra stared at him, helmet-less and clad in shinigami robes, but still wearing that same disaffected look on his face that everyone else had come to recognize.

"What the fuck?" Renji said.

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**06.**

Word spread quickly, and pretty soon Rukia was at Byakuya's estate, breathless and pounding on his door. "Nii-sama!" Rukia said. She pounded again. "Nii-sama! I implore you--"

The door opened. Byakuya stared down, frowning.

"Nii-sama." Rukia spoke breathlessly, still recovering from flash-stepping all the way from the eastern quarter. "I heard rumors that your new subordinate is the former Cuarto Espada. Is this true?"

"It is." Byakuya's eyes narrowed. "And I take it you have objections?"

"I--" Rukia started to speak, but just as she did, she saw the former Cuarto Espada himself stepping up behind them. Both of them looked equally impassive and disaffected as Rukia stood at the doorstep, wide-eyed. They almost looked like twins.

"I see why you would like him," Rukia said, finally.

Byakuya rolled his eyes.

.

**07.**

As expected, Ichigo didn't take the news very well.

"Ichigo!" Rukia said. Ulquiorra watched as she chased after him, nearly tripping over her robes. "Ichigo, wait!"

Ichigo turned a corner, stalking forward and gritting his teeth.

"Ichigo! Ichigo!"

"What?!" Ichigo whirled around. Rukia heaved, catching her breath.

"Ichigo," Rukia said. "You know that we do not kill hollow. We only release their souls--"

"He's a shinigami!"

"His reiatsu allowed him to be, yes."

Ichigo stared. Rukia stood in front of him, hands on her hips and scowling. "Ichigo you must accept this," Rukia said. "We do not kill hollow. We only release them from their present state. That Ulquiorra was able to make such a transformation--"

"Dammit, Rukia! I'm pissed off!" Ichigo said.

(A few feet back, Ulquiorra stood at the edge of the alleyway, standing quietly with Chad and Ishida. "Kurosaki sure isn't taking this well," Ishida said.

Ulquiorra shrugged. It really wasn't his concern.)

.

**08.**

Inoue Orihime was the only one of them who seemed happy to see Ulquiorra alive.

"Ano...Cifer-san?" Her brown eyes widened, slightly. Ulquiorra stood there, watching her quietly his hands stuffed in his pockets.

"Inoue." Ichigo growled, then placed a protective hand on Inoue's arm. "Teme. If you even go near her--"

But Inoue broke away. "Ulquiorra-san!"

She threw herself into the Ulquiorra's arms, sobbing into his shirtfront. "I-I thought you were dead!" she sobbed, and she hugged him tight. Somewhat startled, Ulquiorra took a step back, before placing a hand gently on her head.

"Onna. Calm yourself. I am fine," Ulquiorra said. Inoue sobbed again and hugged him tighter.

.

**09.**

Ishida of course found the whole thing hilarious. He would just stand and smirk and give that special Quincy look that made Ichigo want to kick things. "I wonder when he'll reach bankai," Ishida said. He was cleaning one of his weapons, chewing his lip, thoughtfully. "He was an Espada, after all. He'll probably be captain level in next to no time."

The Quincy took quite a bit of glee in provoking Ichigo's rage. Much to Ulquiorra's annoyance, however.

.

**10.**

Ichigo was at it again. "You shouldn't even be here," Ichigo said. "This is my territory. My place!"

"You forget, human. You are only a substitute."

Ichigo's eyes narrowed. "What did you say?" Ichigo said. Ulquiorra gave him an elegant little shrug.

"Between you and I, there is but one true shinigami," Ulquiorra said. "You are still a human."

"Teme! How can you stand there and say that, that you're a fucking shinigami!"

"Because it is the truth," Ulquiorra said. He glided past him, hands behind his back. "Do not be jealous," Ulquiorra said. "It does not become you."

"Teme!" Ichigo said, and he burst out of his gigai. "BANKAI!" Ichigo said, and he slammed down his sword.

"Getsuga Tenshō!" Ichigo came charging, hollow mask in place. Black waves crashed around them....

...which Ulquiorra deflected with the merest flick of his hand.

"What?!" Ichigo reared back, nearly losing his footing.

"Hmph." Ulquiorra looked bored. "You forget, human. My powers are now tenfold that of when I was Espada. I have not yet even unlocked my shikai," Ulquiorra said. He glided smoothly over to Ichigo, his demeanor smugly satisfied. "_Shinigami._"

Ichigo seethed, crouching low and rubbing the bruise on his arm.

.

**11.**

One thing Ulquiorra did not like was having to use a gigai. It just felt too constraining, too confining, entirely too _unnatural_ for his tastes.

However, unlike Ichigo, Ulquiorra took care of his gigai; while Ichigo's body lay sprawled on the floor with its mouth half-open and drool pooling around the carpet, Ulquiorra always took pains that _his_ gigai be lying properly on the bed. It was a matter of pride, after all.

.

**12.**

There was also the matter of where Ulquiorra would live.

Ichigo's family was out: Rukia was already stationed there, but more importantly, Ichigo was there, and the thought of sharing a room with him made Ulquiorra vaguely nauseous. Ishida's family wanted nothing to do with shinigami, and Kisuke Urahara was far too perverted and demanding for his tastes.

And so it was that Ulquiorra ended up at Orihime's apartment, manfully accepting her cooking and stuffed animals and her awkward attempts to acclimate him to the human world.

"Woman, what are you _doing_?" Ulquiorra demanded, when Orihime waved a chocolate bar in his face.

"It's chocolate!" Orihime said, happily. "It tastes good! Try it! Try it!"

"Fine," Ulquiorra said, and he took the piece of chocolate from her hand.

"Do you like it?" Orihime watched him, apprehensively. Ulquiorra considered.

"No."

.

**13.**

There was a comforting familiarity in being at the woman's place. Not that it resembled anything close to Hueco Mundo - the apartment was its spiritual opposite, all pink fluff and red bean paste and sunshine - but the fact that the woman was there, and she was smiling and laughing and perfectly at ease around him. Well. Ulquiorra could not pretend he didn't appreciate it.

The woman was his touchstone. Not that he would ever admit that to her.

.

**14.**

Ulquiorra trained in the field, brandishing his zanpakuto and trying to unlock its shikai.

When Ulquiorra was a hollow, he knew his zanpakuto's name. Murciélago was devastating to behold, and beautiful. That he couldn't unlock it now, as a shinigami, infuriated him.

"Maybe it's different?" the woman tried to be helpful, but it was of no use. "Maybe it has a different name?"

"What do you mean?" Ulquiorra's eyes narrowed. Orihime sat beside him, folding her legs underneath her.

"Well...you were a hollow then, right? Well maybe now that you're a shinigami, maybe it's not a bat anymore. Maybe it's something different...like a swan."

Ulquiorra blinked. "A swan?"

"Yeah, you know...something bird-like but...but not as scary."

"Woman. You said you weren't afraid of me," Ulquiorra said. Orihime blushed.

Well. She had a point. Ulquiorra stared at his sword, frowning. If Murciélago changed its name, what would it be?

"Oh! I know! Maybe a crane! Or an owl," Orihime added, helpfully. "Or maybe one of those flying squirrels...."

The woman was not as helpful as he initially thought.

.

**15.**

Despite Ichigo's insufferable attitude, Ulquiorra found his father to be quite the opposite. "You should come to dinner sometime," Isshin said, clapping him on the back. "Any friend of Ichigo's is a friend of mine!"

Ulquiorra stared. He kept his hands in his pockets, unmoving. Though he was no longer an Espada, and though most of his former powers had all but disappeared, his eyes still remained. Nothing could get past his eyes.

"Your reiatsu is tremendous," Ulquiorra said. "I can see where the human gets it."

Isshin grinned and rubbed his neck. "Ah. Urahara said I wouldn't get much past you." Isshin said. "Then you know already what I am."

"Yes. A captain-level shinigami." Ulquiorra's eyes narrowed. "Surely you know there is much bad blood between myself and your son."

"Oh? Ichigo? He's just a little constipated, give him a chance," Isshin said.

Ulquiorra cocked his head.

And so it was that Ulquiorra ended up at Ichigo's house, having dinner with his family while Ichigo sat seething in a corner.

.

**16.**

Ulquiorra was pleasantly surprised to find the rest of Ichigo's family were equally tolerable. "Ulquiorra-kun, can you tell us more about Spain?" Yuzu yawned and cuddled against Ulquiorra's side.

"What would like to know?"

"Is it warm there?" Yuzu's eyes were beginning to close.

"No. It is not warm," Ulquiorra said. "It is always dark there. The moon is out. It is crescent shaped, much like the barrette in your hair," Ulquiorra said.

"That sounds pretty." Yuzu was already beginning to fall asleep.

Somehow, Ulquiorra's thoughts turned to Hueco Mundo. He thought of the endless nights and the sand and the hollows crying in the dark.

.

**17.**

That night, Ulquiorra switched on a light and stood in front of the bathroom mirror.

Unbuttoning his shirt, he stared at the scar where his hole had been, and at the faint markings on his chest that used to be his tattoo.

His scar hurt, and he didn't know why. Frowning, he turned away and buttoned up his shirt.

.

**18.**

"He isn't that bad," Orihime said.

Ulquiorra was training when he overheard Ichigo and the woman talking. They were walking by the river, just outside the soccer field. The sun was setting and orange light was slanting on the ground. "Inoue. He kidnapped you," Ichigo said.

"Hai," Orihime said.

"He kidnapped you and held you against your will!"

"Hai," Orihime said. She was watching the water, smiling.

Ichigo scowled. "Inoue! He would have killed you!" Ichigo said.

"He told me he was sorry," Orihime said. Ichigo looked like his head was about to explode.

"You need help," Ichigo said, flatly. "You need psychological, medical help."

"Ulquiorra-kun isn't that bad," Inoue repeated. "He's lonely."

"Tch." Ichigo rolled his eyes.

"He is!" Orihime said. "He doesn't like being a shinigami, he doesn't like killing the other hollow, and even though we're sending them back to Soul Society, it's like he's turning against his own people, and it bothers him."

Ulquiorra's jaw tightened. He turned and left before they could see.

.

**19.**

"Bind, Murciélago!"

Ulquiorra stared at his sword, which glinted silently but did not move. "Bind!"

He waited. Nothing happened.

"Oi, oi, looks like someone's having a little trouble, there!" Renji was behind him, grinning. "Teme. You think you're better than us, and yet you can't even talk to your zanpak--"

Ulquiorra's hand was over Renji's throat before he could finish. Renji wheezed. "T-teme. I can't _breathe_."

Ulquiorra's eyes narrowed. He let go of Renji's neck, watching him cough, violently.

"You are arrogant," Ulquiorra said. "You are nothing but trash."

"Says the one who can't reach shikai."

Ulquiorra's eyes narrowed. It infuriated him that someone of Grimmjow's lowbrow temperment should be his superior. "You believe you are strong, shinigami. But at what cost?" He stepped forward, staring at Renji dead-on. "My eyes see everything. And what I see here is arrogance. Selfishness. A desire for power."

Ulquiorra took another step. "Worthless," Ulquiorra said, and he turned, his shinigami robes fluttering behind him. "_Trash_. I do not waste my time with fools."

Ulquiorra started to leave, when Renji reared back up. "Oi!" Renji said. "Teme!"

Ulquiorra turned. Renji was heaving, jaw tight and hands clenched into fists.

"You wanna know why we don't like you? Why Ichigo and the others don't want you around?" Renji said. "We don't like you because you made Inoue cry. You hurt her, teme," Renji said. "Maybe you should take those eyes and look at yourself in the mirror!"

Ulquiorra ignored him, disappearing down the road.

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**20.**

Ulquiorra was brooding on the couch when Orihime came home, chattering happily.

"I'm home!" Orihime said. "I just bought the yummiest looking stuff at the market today, they had a sale on fish cakes and curry, and you said you've never had seafood, right?"

Orihime stopped. "Ulquiorra-san," Orihime said. "What's the matter?"

Ulquiorra regarded her, silently. The man had been right. During her stay at Hueco Mundo, Ulquiorra had done everything he could to break her spirit. He had taunted her, threatened her, filled her with self-doubt. That she would willingly take him into her home made little sense.

Then again, most things made little sense in this world: his life, which was once a methodical, well-charted one, was now rife with confusion. He suspected it had largely to do with the restoration of his heart, which now beat fully beneath the scar on his chest. If he could, he would gladly reach in and rip it out himself: he knew it would hurt the woman, however, and so he did his best to refrain from such thoughts.

Neither of them spoke, the woman watching him concerned while Ulquiorra gathered his thoughts. Finally Ulquiorra stood and left, leaving the woman frowning alone in the room.

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**21.**

Ulquiorra wandered the streets, watching the townspeople go about their business: men on bicycles passed by; children flew kites by the river. Finally when the sun completely set and the lanterns on the street turned on, Ulquiorra made his way back to Orihime's apartment. Unlocking the door, he was careful not to make any noise as he entered. Sure enough, Orihime was asleep; she was curled up on the couch, static on the TV. Quietly Ulquiorra switched off the television and picked up the dirty dishes she had left on the tabletop. Then he covered her with a blanket before stepping back outside.

Karakura town was quiet at night. The sulfur streetlights glowed dimly above him, and the moon was covered in a soft haze.

Someone screamed. Ulquiorra whirled around to see a little girl running, a skyscraper-sized hollow chasing after.

His blade sang. It arced across the sky, glinting as it crashed through the hollow's side. At that moment, he never felt more envious of anything in his entire life: the hollow would surely awaken in Soul Society, without any memory of his hollow life. Ulquiorra wished he could say the same.

Ulquiorra turned to the girl, who was shivering. Her chain swung pathetically out of her chest.

"Child," Ulquiorra said, but the girl flinched. Her lips were purple and there were scratch marks on her hands. He tried not to think about how she died.

"Be still, child," Ulquiorra said, and he pressed the hilt of his sword against the girl's forehead. Both the hollow and the girl disappeared, turning into ash in the wind.

He thought about Ichigo and the woman, and his last few moments alive. As alive as a former Espada could get, anyway.

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**22.**

The darkness thinned above him as the sun began to rise, and Ulquiorra came to a decision.

He would look for Ichigo and the others later in the day. He had much he wished to discuss.

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**23.**

Ulquiorra found Ichigo hanging around the bleachers behind the school, kicking a couple rocks and watching his sister playing soccer. "Human," Ulquiorra said. Ichigo turned.

"Tch. Don't go around calling me that, you're supposed to be a human, too."

Ulquirra frowned. "But this is a gigai," Ulquiorra said.

"Whatever."

They turned and watched as Karin ran with the ball, before giving it a swift kick into her opponents' net. "Score!" Ichigo said. "Yeah, Karin! That's the way!" His sister grinned and waved, jogging past them as she rejoined her team.

Ulquiorra stood, waiting for Ichigo to acknowledge him. When he didn't, Ulquiorra cleared his throat, awkwardly. "Human."

"What?" Ichigo turned, annoyed. Ulquiorra stood, somewhat uncertainly, before pressing forward.

"I apologize, human. For my actions, earlier," Ulquiorra said.

Ulquiorra waited. Ichigo stood, watching Karin, his hair moving slightly in the wind. "It's fine," Ichigo said, finally. "Inoue seems to like you. I don't get why, but she's a good judge of character, and if she likes you, then I guess I have to like you, too."

"Is that so?" Ulquiorra said. "Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything." Ichigo scowled.

"I was just waiting for you to apologize," Ichigo snapped.

"Ah," Ulquiorra said.

In front of them, the opposing team captured the ball. Karin and her teammates gave chase, and Karin intercepted. She kicked the ball, which sailed toward the goal.

"Human," Ulquiorra said, and Ichigo glanced back. "When you became a shinigami. How was it for you? The change, I mean?"

The question seemed to throw Ichigo off, because he stared back at Ulquiorra blankly before searching for an answer. "I'm not sure," Ichigo said. "It was just natural, you know? I got these powers, and I made the best of it."

"I see."

Ulquiorra studied the scuff marks on the bleachers, and the way the dust seemed to fly up around the students playing soccer. Finally he spoke. "I cannot achieve shikai," Ulquiorra said. "I am a shinigami now, and I cannot even attain first release. It...vexes me."

The breeze picked up slightly. The children shrieked, running after the ball. And then...

"Maybe your zanpakuto is just broken," Ichigo said. Ulquiorra stared.

"That cannot be," Ulquiorra said. "My sword is intact."

"That doesn't mean it's not broken," Ichigo said. He swung around and sat heavily on the bleachers, picking up a blade of grass. "We had a pretty big battle. It probably didn't recover, yet."

"I do not understand," Ulquiorra said. He sat down next to him, watching him carefully.

"Well. You already know its name, right?" Ichigo stretched, staring up at the sky. "Urahara said a zanpakuto is the manifestation of the user's soul. And I don't know, it wouldn't make sense for it to change. You haven't changed," Ichigo said, thoughtfully. "You're still that same batspada asshole, it's just now you're with the good guys. You know?"

The wind stirred. Karin kicked the ball but it missed, slamming into the post. "Aw, man!"

Ulquiorra considered. Yes. This made sense. He stood.

"Human. You are not as ignorant as I thought you were," Ulquiorra said. Ichigo sniffed.

"Well, you're still an asshole," Ichigo said, but Ulquiorra could tell he was trying hard not to smile.

* * *

**A/N: Inspired by this amazing drawing at DeviantArt: h****ttp : // sideburn004 dot deviantart dot com/art/BLEACH-sketch-119232009**


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